That's The T

By : K.J. Miller

         Gender Dysphoria is by definition having distain for one’s physical or mental gender. Now that we have that defined, I want you to take the one thing on your body you dislike the most, (everyone has something), and times that by five or ten and then you will be getting closer to how a transperson suffering from severe GD feels. Not all MtF/FtM/GQ  (Male to Female, Female to Male, Gender Queer) persons have extreme or even mild GD when it comes to the bedroom and being intimate with someone else, but the majority do. Even if it is just with their chest, their genitalia, or all areas of their bodies, if the trans lover in your life has these issues this article is for you. Today, we are going to talk about how to cater to those specific needs mentally and emotionally in order for you to cater to them physically.

 When we get sexually involved with someone in this situation i.e., in transition, we have to look at things with the knowledge of what they are going through and the patience to wade through the waters with them in order to work out a better bedroom situation for both parties. It is highly important to communicate with each other openly about what not only they are comfortable with but yourself as well. In my past experience, I found it is much better to ask what they are ok with doing and not doing first, and that is for three main reasons. One, it shows that you are more interested in their well-being then your own sexual pleaser, two, with that it makes them not feel obligated to comply with your desires therefore letting them be open and honest about their restriction and limitations, and three, it gives you a place to start from and work with.  The communication process in the area of the bedroom will sometimes be the hardest part of breaking down the barriers. Ask your partner what, if there is any, specific reasoning behind their discomfort with certain aspects of your love life. These aspects need to not only include body parts but sexual positions or activities, where and when you have sex, if sex is even an option for that person and so on. Think outside the box. It is your job as their partner to console and comfort them and ask what it is YOU can do to fix the issue or to make them feel more at ease. This should already be a given. Make sure you instill in them that is OK to feel as they do and that you respect their boundaries. This is the most important part and the beginning of the process of understanding their specific GD issues and maybe even helping them over come them.

We have talked about the dos … let’s start talking about the don’ts. Whatever you do, don’t get upset or mad at the person because of their limitations with you because it is something you can work through together. If you do feel upset do not show that emotion with madness or anger. But you probably shouldn’t be with the person if you’re going to get upset at their GD issues and sexual boundaries as it take a strong person to be with a transgendered individual. Next, Don’t go around telling your friends about your sex life because that will cause distain and distrust between you two. Trans people may not only have Physical/Genital GD but may also have what I call Mental/Social Gender Dysphoria. With Mental/Social GD yes there are physical restrictions due to Physical/Genital GD but these issues may have a wall that is breakable. So after said wall is broken down (usually because a bond of trust has been made with their respected partners/lovers) the thought of other people knowing what you have come to terms is aloud or what goes on is even more upsetting then the actual sexual action.  So the trust will be broken and you are more than likely going to end back up at square one, if you’re lucky. Now the last major “No-No” is pressure. While your sexual desires are just as important as your partners sexual restrictions it is never a good thing to even passive aggressively apply a sense of hurry or urgency for them to change and comply to what you want. Yes bring it up once in a while to see where they are standing on the subject, but do not force it or make them feel guilty.

Now, with there being so many combinations of different types of couples when dealing with a transgendered group of people I do not have space in this article to go over the specific need of each type of couple. Not only that but the fact that we have to multiply those combinations with the vast amount of different types of dysphoric issues one may have, let’s just say I simply do not have the room. There is a contact box however, send me your specific questions and I promise to get back to you, and maybe even place the question in our  “Just Ask Emery” segment. Thank you for reading